me trying to understand myself....

My parents are yet to know the entire episode, episode that I am not going for b.tech, episode that all I can do is English honors...
Because according to the frame of mind they are supposedly in, my father has a complete data programmed for my life, a b.tech degree, a government job…..
That’s how it goes, the only problem is I choose to drop out of engineering college n try my luck ….
Few days ago, a friend of mine just asked me if I am doing all this just for the fact its rebellious?
Yep it is rebellious,
But if it’s the only fact that keeps me going? I have my doubts…
There was a time when I gauged life on the basis of how much money I could make, how much of a brilliant mind I could be thought of…(just the part where you wear the appreciation of others, as soon as you reach the doorstep, it droops like a lifeless n worthless tag)
I have been through this stage quite a lot of time,
1. I could have taken up writing n managed with an engineering degree,
2. Just do b.tech n then do whatever you want to…
3. It ensures a job
4. Its all what everybody around me is doing….
5. You have wasted a year of your life, its not the 'right time' to back up
N this list is interminable…
I am not a 3 idiots worshiper, its not what I do well, I never follow directions properly, I just dive in make my own mistakes, let people have their snide comments of 'I told you so'
What if I don't wanna be taught?
What if I want to risk it?
Ba honors in English in my mother's eyes is too inferior to consider,
Guess why I decided to finally take the plunge?
Think like me for a minute,
Life is teemed of infinite moments, you have a way with your brain, you treat it logically following orders,
Do you have a way with your heart?
I don't…
My decisions are run by it,
In this life, All I wanna do is write, read, learn, explore n experience….
Because when I write, or when I read I understand the beauty of it, you can't blame an artist for the person he is, because he feels he's been sent on earth for just one thing,
He doesn't fabricate the love he feels for his work, he carries emotions….
The distant I grow from doing what I want, the more sadist I am….
N when it comes to writing, I'll write, I'll show my crap to my friends, I'll write n stick my poems n stories outside publisher's offices…I'll write n get rejected, I'll cry n I'll write n if nothing I could possibly make of my life I'll just write…
Coz that's what I really want to….
Guess I hear a doorbell, its time I get down on my feet n explode the news to my parents...